• A Review Page For Those Movies You Watch At Home!

    Couch Potato Movie Reviews is, obviously, a blog that exclusively reviews movies. What makes this blog different is the fact that all of the films we are reviewing are all movies that are available on home movie rental companies such as Redbox, Netflix, Blockbuster, and your quickly disappearing neighborhood rental store. This blog is designed to take a more detailed look at those movies that either were sent straight to DVD, received a very limited release in the theaters, or were distributed through the art house or film festival circuit. We will also review those big Hollywood films, but only after they are available for home viewing.

    All the reviews are written by fans of the great art of film making rather than some newspaper reviewer or stuffy film student. We don’t know everything about film but we do know what we like, and we are more than happy to share our opinions with you. What you do with those opinions are totally up to you, although comments are welcome and encouraged.

    Each film review has a one to five star rating at the end of the critique. Here is what those star ratings mean for you couch potatoes:

    * * * * * : Five stars: go and buy this one, don’t just rent it!

    * * * * : Four stars: put this at the top of your rental list.

    * * * : Three stars: average, not bad just not great either.

    * * : Two stars: only rent if you have to see everything.

    * : One star: don’t waste your time with this.

Retardead

TITLE: Retardead

YEAR: 2008

GENRE: Horror and Comedy

Reviewers know that when they review a film that is the sequel to a monster movie featuring a half human-half faces abomination that the movie may lack intelligence. There is nothing wrong with a gentle ribbing of culture and society within a film, but when one insults some of the most vulnerable people it crosses a line. Independent zombie film Retardead may not go to the extreme in its lampoon efforts, but it is a poorly produced final project with a juvenile sense of humor and zero production values.

After destroying a half human-half fecal monster, Butte County Sheriff Duncan (Paul Weiner) believes that the mad scientist Dr. Stern (Dan Burr) who created the crap abomination is also dead. Sheriff Duncan is mistaken as Dr. Stern is deformed yet alive and well, and in order to continue his diabolical experiments takes a job as an instructor at the Butte County Institute for Special Education. Since the police have their hands full with a LSD drug ring at the local elementary school and a serial pervert named the “Weenie Wanker” who likes to flash unsuspecting women, the evil scientist’s reappearance is not noticed except by kind-hearted instructor Ms. Hazlewood (Maria Halyna) who finds Dr. Stern to be suspicious. The school executives love Dr. Stern because his students suddenly go from mentally impaired to concert pianists and Shakespearean scholars, but the end result is horrendous as the students turn into blood-thirsty zombies who crave human flesh. The students escape and star to infect the community, and it is up to the sheriff plus his trusty deputies Dan (Dan West) and Rick (Rick Popko) and FBI detective Hannigan (Beth West) to stop the outbreak before it consumes the entire country.

Judging from the title it is a fair guess that political correctness will be tossed out the proverbial window, and that guess would be correct. The mentally handicapped are lampooned in such a way that will be considered disrespectful by many, so more sensitive watcher should just stop reading here. There are also quite a few immature sexual, pee/poop, and cultural jokes throughout the film and the jokes appear to be written by a committee of 12-year-old boys. Retardead presents itself like typical zero budget films in the fact that the camera work is uninspired and at times boring, blood effects are simplistic yet plentiful, and the sound is atrocious. Most of the acting is pretty rotten although Halyna (in her only role) is actually pretty good as the pretty, compassionate instructor. The make-up is also very similar to the original Night Of The Living Dead and is a nice homage to a far superior film. Even a cameo appearance by former Dead Kennedys front man Jello Biafra as a perverted mayor and goremeister Hershell Gordon Lewis as a narrator does little to save this production. The best part is the closing credits, not because Retardead is mercifully over but directors Dan West and Popko satirize critical viewers in the ending credits in a way that is worth a chuckle.

There will be a core base of viewers who believe that picking on the mentally handicapped and poop jokes to be the epitome of quality humor and will find Retardead hysterical, but most viewers will find this project to be a repulsive piece of crap that deserves to be flushed. Retardead is a sewer dwelling turd of a production that literally stinks like a Port-A-Jon at a sumo wrestling event. Avoid.

*

–Mark

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