• A Review Page For Those Movies You Watch At Home!

    Couch Potato Movie Reviews is, obviously, a blog that exclusively reviews movies. What makes this blog different is the fact that all of the films we are reviewing are all movies that are available on home movie rental companies such as Redbox, Netflix, Blockbuster, and your quickly disappearing neighborhood rental store. This blog is designed to take a more detailed look at those movies that either were sent straight to DVD, received a very limited release in the theaters, or were distributed through the art house or film festival circuit. We will also review those big Hollywood films, but only after they are available for home viewing.

    All the reviews are written by fans of the great art of film making rather than some newspaper reviewer or stuffy film student. We don’t know everything about film but we do know what we like, and we are more than happy to share our opinions with you. What you do with those opinions are totally up to you, although comments are welcome and encouraged.

    Each film review has a one to five star rating at the end of the critique. Here is what those star ratings mean for you couch potatoes:

    * * * * * : Five stars: go and buy this one, don’t just rent it!

    * * * * : Four stars: put this at the top of your rental list.

    * * * : Three stars: average, not bad just not great either.

    * * : Two stars: only rent if you have to see everything.

    * : One star: don’t waste your time with this.

Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn

TITLE: Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn

YEAR: 1983

GENRE: Science Fiction

Films made in three-dimensional are a big fad right now, but now is not the first time that Hollywoodexperimented with 3-D films. Between 1982 and 1984 there were a handful of entries that hit the theatres that used 3-D effects, most notably Amityville 3-D, Jaws 3-D, and Friday The 13th Part 3. Unlike today when 3-D effects are used to add depth to scenery, the 1980’s film makers used these effects to mostly shove items into the faces of the viewers and toss at them the occasional shard of glass or dismembered body part. One of the lesser remembered films from the 1980’s 3-D era was the post-apocalyptic sci-fi film Metalstorm: The Destructive Of Jared-Syn, an action film that lacked any real excitement or storyline.

Dogen (played by Jeffrey Byron) is a space ranger who is on the hunt for intergalactic villain Jared-Syn (Michael Preston), the leader of nomadic tribes which are causing havoc for the established powers in the area. While hunting down Jared-Syn, Dogen discovers Dhyana (Kelly Preston), a prospector whose father was recently murdered by Jared-Syn and his gang of marauding thugs. Dhyana and Doran venture together until Jared-Syn transports Dhyana to his lair Doran heads out to find Dhyana until he is saved by a drunken soldier named Rhodes (Tim Thomerson) who reluctantly joins him to find the fair maiden. The path to Dhyana leads straight to Jared-Syn, and Doran and Rhodes are ready to take on the marauding hordes to save the lady in distress and end Jared-Syn’s reign of terror once and for all.

With the lone exception of the Friday The 13th entry (and I am sure many would argue with me here) the three dimensional movies from the 1980’s were downright terrible, and Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn is no exception. The storyline is downright boring at times as there are huge chunks of the film of Doran simply driving through the desert wasteland in his armored truck having limited conversations. The plot holes are big enough for a semi truck and little is explained to in terms of the inspiration of Doran or any real back story other that a treaty of some sort has been broken. The film has a definite The Road Warrior vibe and includes big padded costumes and a hero in leather motorcycle garb, plus the movie features several car chases and big explosions but none of it can hold a candle to George Miller’s masterpiece. On the acting front, Byron does his best Mad Max impersonation and fails miserably with the tough guy banter and Preston is obviously not inspired with the material as she steps through the script almost zombie-like at times. In addition, the ending of the film is not very satisfactory and attempts to set up some type of sequel, and the viewers who survive to the ending credits will end up wishing they changed the DVD to something more interesting. The problem with Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn is that it relies too much on its sub-par 3-D effects, and when one watches it at home without those properties the film becomes the barren, dull B-rated sci-fi dud that hides behind the 3-D curtain.

Richard Moll (who plays a leader of a nomadic tribe) had to shave his head for the role and decided to keep the look to his benefit: a year later Moll landed the role of bailiff Bull Shannon on the TV show “Night Court” which ran for eight years on NBC due to his shaved noggin. This was also an early role for Preston who later starred in the nerd cinema films Battlefield Earth: A Saga Of The Year 3000, Sky High, and From Dusk Till Dawn. It is safe to say that Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn is not on either actor’s resume any longer, and for good reason. Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn is a grade “A” stinker that never ties together a quality storyline that interests or excites the viewers, and this one is only for the die-hard film massochists.

*

–Mark

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