• A Review Page For Those Movies You Watch At Home!

    Couch Potato Movie Reviews is, obviously, a blog that exclusively reviews movies. What makes this blog different is the fact that all of the films we are reviewing are all movies that are available on home movie rental companies such as Redbox, Netflix, Blockbuster, and your quickly disappearing neighborhood rental store. This blog is designed to take a more detailed look at those movies that either were sent straight to DVD, received a very limited release in the theaters, or were distributed through the art house or film festival circuit. We will also review those big Hollywood films, but only after they are available for home viewing.

    All the reviews are written by fans of the great art of film making rather than some newspaper reviewer or stuffy film student. We don’t know everything about film but we do know what we like, and we are more than happy to share our opinions with you. What you do with those opinions are totally up to you, although comments are welcome and encouraged.

    Each film review has a one to five star rating at the end of the critique. Here is what those star ratings mean for you couch potatoes:

    * * * * * : Five stars: go and buy this one, don’t just rent it!

    * * * * : Four stars: put this at the top of your rental list.

    * * * : Three stars: average, not bad just not great either.

    * * : Two stars: only rent if you have to see everything.

    * : One star: don’t waste your time with this.

Mars Needs Women

TITLE: Mars Needs Women

YEAR: 1967

GENRE: Science Fiction

Back in the late 1960’s American International Pictures was the undisputed king of creating low budget drive-in movies that appealed to the teenage crowd. AIP created a made-for-television division back in 1967 and created several micro-budget science fiction and horror films designed for late night television junkies for cheap thrills. Even though these films did not have a theatrical release, some of these releases such as Zontar: The Thing From Venus are remembered fondly by fans of older science fiction and has discovered a new audience through DVD and VHS releases over the years. Being fondly remembered does not mean that these products were quality product, as the AIP straight to TV films were made ultra cheap using quick, shoddy production values and lots of stock footage designed to crank out finished products rather than quality movies. A perfect example of AIP TV would be Mars Needs Women, a boring and substandard film that even does not deliver appropriate camp value.

Five Martians led by Dop (played by Tommy Kirk) are on an intergalactic mission to find suitable women on Earth to bring back to Mars for procreation of the species. The five some land in Houston in their search for women, and after robbing a gas station and stealing a car from an airport they begin their hunt for the female persuasion. Dop meets Dr. Marjorie Boland (Yvonne Craig) who appears to be prime breeding stock, but after the courting process Dop actually starts to fall in love with the geneticist. Dop and his group knows they must move quickly as the United State military has intercepted messages from the Martian homeland and know that the aliens are hot on the trail of intergalactic tail. Can Dop and his crew find appropriate women for birthing Martian children?

There can be certain redeeming qualities to really awful movies that make them almost enjoyable and quaint, but Mars Needs Women has little to nothing to offer even the most hardcore Z-film cinema fanatics. Most of this revolves around the storyline, which has some potential but drags too long and has little kitsch value. Of course, like all male chauvinistic pig males the Martians in most cases pick out vapid, airhead-types of women such as stewardesses, strippers, beauty pageant contestants, and a big busted artist for procreation, and the film does little to hide that the Martians are not looking for stimulating conversations from the fairer sex so political correctness is thrown out the proverbial window. About a third of the film is stock footage pieced together from numerous sources and older AIP titles, and the varying qualities of the film used make this choice obvious. The sound is abysmal and there are entire scenes where the conversations are actually hard to hear. The acting in most cases is absolutely mind numbing and the swinging Martians are about as exciting as IT professionals at a Linux convention, although it must be noted that Craig did make a concerted effort to give an acceptable performance in this abomination. On the positive, there are a few comical one-liners such as the Martians’ comments on male fashion when they say “The Red Planet abandoned the use of ties fifty years ago as useless male vanity!” I know I am stretching, but other than a couple lines like that Mars Needs Women is virtually unwatchable dribble.

Craig moved on to her most famous role shortly after Mars Needs Women as Barbara Gordon and her alter ego Batgirl in the 1960’s TV camp classic “Batman” TV show. Although there are some people who can see greatness in a film likes this as cult material, but Mars Needs Women is far from even being an acceptable camp film. Mars Needs Women could be one of the ten most dreadful productions I have ever experienced, and considering the types of films I enjoy that is saying a great deal.

*

–Mark

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