• A Review Page For Those Movies You Watch At Home!

    Couch Potato Movie Reviews is, obviously, a blog that exclusively reviews movies. What makes this blog different is the fact that all of the films we are reviewing are all movies that are available on home movie rental companies such as Redbox, Netflix, Blockbuster, and your quickly disappearing neighborhood rental store. This blog is designed to take a more detailed look at those movies that either were sent straight to DVD, received a very limited release in the theaters, or were distributed through the art house or film festival circuit. We will also review those big Hollywood films, but only after they are available for home viewing.

    All the reviews are written by fans of the great art of film making rather than some newspaper reviewer or stuffy film student. We don’t know everything about film but we do know what we like, and we are more than happy to share our opinions with you. What you do with those opinions are totally up to you, although comments are welcome and encouraged.

    Each film review has a one to five star rating at the end of the critique. Here is what those star ratings mean for you couch potatoes:

    * * * * * : Five stars: go and buy this one, don’t just rent it!

    * * * * : Four stars: put this at the top of your rental list.

    * * * : Three stars: average, not bad just not great either.

    * * : Two stars: only rent if you have to see everything.

    * : One star: don’t waste your time with this.

Valentine

TITLE: Valentine

YEAR: 2000

GENRE: Horror

There was a resurgence in the horror genre for the slasher genre when the smash hit film Scream was released in 1996. Like the first wave back in the early 1980’s, the originality disappeared pretty quickly and the staleness that originally buried the first wave of the stalk and slash genre rose its ugly head and the interest subsided much quicker than during the Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees era. Valentine was a slasher film that appeared during the second wave of psychopathic masked killers and used a national holiday in its premise, a trick used often in the 1980’s in films such as My Bloody Valentine, Halloween, and April Fools Day. Valentine unfortunately arrived about twenty years too late and is nowhere near as good as the otherwise mentioned 80’s flicks and is a stale entry in the horror genre.

Back in the late 1980’s nerdy Jeremy Melton (Joel Palmer) receives rejection after rejection at the Valentine’s Day junior high school dance. After asking several girls with no luck a plump young lady named Dorothy (Kate Logie) agrees and ends up swapping spit with Jeremy. When Dorothy’s friends catch her and Jeremy in the act Dorothy claims that Jeremy attacked her which gives Jeremy a severe butt kicking and a one-way trip to a juvenile detention facility. Thirteen years later one of the friends that discovered Dorothy’s indiscretion is brutally murdered, and the four remaining friends receive some cryptic Valentine’s Day cards. The foursome including Dorothy (Jessica Chapshaw), Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), and Lily (Jessica Cauffield) discover that they are being stalked by a mysterious figure wearing a cupid mask. As the foursome are knocked off one by one finger pointing begins, mostly at a Jeremy that none of them have seen for over a decade but others believe that a guilty Dorothy is behind the murders.

First of all, Valentine smells a lot like its slasher predecessors from twenty years previous and does not stray from the path. There have been literally dozens of slasher films created when a group of pretty twenty-somethings get knocked off by a masked killer and it seems that Valentine relies too much on the trails blazed by other stalk and slash horror films of the past. The kills are pretty tame compared to the more brutal 1980’s offerings and the cat and mouse game between killer and victim is short lived and predictable in almost all instances. It is obvious that the main actresses were all selected for their looks rather than their acting skills as the thespian work is pretty terrible. Stereotypes are used pretty regularly in Valentine especially with all the male characters which are either sexual deviants, socially dysfunctional schmucks, or pathetic nerds and all the women eventually end up either in bikinis or their underwear. Even the “twist” ending is predictable for anybody who has sat through any number of slasher films and most horror fans will know the identity of the psycho about half way through the production.

Cauffield has had a limited career in acting through roles in Legally Blonde and White Chicks, but her passion is Indian and West Indies culture including earth-based energy medicine and healing. Katherine Heigl, who would later appear in Knocked Up, admitted in a 2005 interview that she is actually embarrassed that she accepted the role as the first college girl to die in this film. Director Jamie Blanks has spent his acting career making horror films of varying qualities including the cult classic Urban Legend and the better than average Long Weekend. Valentine is probably the worst offering from Blanks so die-hard horror fans should not dodge his work entirely. Valentine is a less than desirable effort that offers limited appeal to anybody who has seen more than five horror films or is over the age of 10.

* 1/2

–Mark

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