• A Review Page For Those Movies You Watch At Home!

    Couch Potato Movie Reviews is, obviously, a blog that exclusively reviews movies. What makes this blog different is the fact that all of the films we are reviewing are all movies that are available on home movie rental companies such as Redbox, Netflix, Blockbuster, and your quickly disappearing neighborhood rental store. This blog is designed to take a more detailed look at those movies that either were sent straight to DVD, received a very limited release in the theaters, or were distributed through the art house or film festival circuit. We will also review those big Hollywood films, but only after they are available for home viewing.

    All the reviews are written by fans of the great art of film making rather than some newspaper reviewer or stuffy film student. We don’t know everything about film but we do know what we like, and we are more than happy to share our opinions with you. What you do with those opinions are totally up to you, although comments are welcome and encouraged.

    Each film review has a one to five star rating at the end of the critique. Here is what those star ratings mean for you couch potatoes:

    * * * * * : Five stars: go and buy this one, don’t just rent it!

    * * * * : Four stars: put this at the top of your rental list.

    * * * : Three stars: average, not bad just not great either.

    * * : Two stars: only rent if you have to see everything.

    * : One star: don’t waste your time with this.

Journey To Promethea

TITLE: Journey To Promethea

YEAR: 2010

GENRE: Fantasy and Science Fiction

Before I do a review on any film I will spend some time doing a bit of research on the movie—read the film’s IMDB and Wikipedia page, check on any unusual facts for the movie, and investigate the legacy the film may leave such as the beginning of a certain actor or behind the scenes worker. When researching Journey To Promethea one aspect that struck me was the unusual amount of terrible critical reviews of the film. This is fairly unusual for such a universal panning on us critics do not usually agree on what is a good and not so good production, but literally every review I found gave it the lowest grade possible and had virtually nothing nice to say. This made me almost want to like the movie, but unfortunately I have to agree with my comrades as Journey To Promethea is just plain awful on almost every level.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived a wretched king named Laypach (played by Billy Zane) who ruled his kingdom with an iron fist. The peasants in the area suffered who clings to a legend of a great warrior with a magical sword who would one day rise to restore peace to the community. A young man named Magnus (Sam Murphy) watches the soldiers of King Laypach kill his father and imprison his brother Binon (Caleb Michaelson) and is forced to flee. He runs across a hunter named Ari (Louis Herthum) who teaches Magnus the art of fighting and swordplay. An elf named Gydro (Drew Rin Varick) discovers Magnus and believes that he is the answer to the prophecy and informs Princess Aria (Jessica Heap) and her group of female barbarian protectors of his existence. Princess Aria ventures out to confront Magnus and to confirm that he is the legendary warrior to bring peace to the region. But how does a farm boy who does not even have a place to lay his head become the savior to a group of hopeless people?

Journey To Promethea is downright terrible and could be the worst fantasy film I have ever experienced. First of all, the acting is pretty bad especially Heap who delivers the most wooden thespian work since the worst junior high play ever created; her reaction to a death scene of her sister and best friend is as uninspired as I have experienced in any film. The costuming is also pathetic as it looks cobbled from numerous other historical productions as Roman soldier uniforms, cheeky barbarian women outfits, and even some Revolutionary War-era shirts make an uncharacteristic appearance. The script is also the stuff of every bad fantasy novel ever written and also includes some amazingly bad lines; when Magnus is milking a cow Binon walks up and says ‘That is not how you do it, do it as you would to yourself, a gentle tug and pull.” The film goes downhill from there: the special effects are some of the worst that the 1980’s had to offer, the sword fighting is better at the average renaissance faire, lighting is too bright in some scenes and too dark in others, the camera work lacks artistic license, and the sound is uneven especially during a conversation where an old woman actually had some echo added to her voice for no apparent reason. There is also a montage of Magnus and Ari practicing swordplay and King Laypach looking bored while watching belly dancers which did not gel together on any level.

Scott L. Schwartz appears as a mercenary for King Laypach and delivers the only acceptable performance in the production; Schwartz is nicknamed the “TV Thug” in Hollywood and is a tough guy specialist who has appeared in films such as Spiderman and Ocean’s Eleven and television shows “Angel” and “Star Trek: Enterprise”. I think it is a safe bet that neither Schwartz nor Zane has this clunker at the top of their resume as Journey To Promethea is the perfect example of pathetically bad fantasy cinema. Avoid.

*

–Mark

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